Codependency...

Many people view codependency simply as a pattern where a person (man or woman) cares for others too much in relationships, and they may notice that the codependent tends to betray their own needs in caring for this other person and/or people, however codependency is not this simple.

Codependency is a way of being in the world which effects millions of people. At its core it is a betrayal of the authentic self in order be in relationship with people and ensure getting ones needs met. It is representative of a person wearing a mask in order to present an image to people, which the wearer expects others to approve of, and in return the mask wearer will be liked. A codependent may find themselves wearing many different masks in each group of people they are a part of. It is not uncommon to hear a codependent speak of "not knowing who they really are" at their core. This is because, in their continual struggle to fit in and their impressive ability to adapt how they present themselves differently to varying groups, they begin to lose an awareness of who they are when being their genuine selves.

At their core a codependent generally believes that they must change who they are in order to be liked by others. This is a pattern generally begun in childhood and is related to childhood trauma. It is usually a derivative of their needing to adapt in their family of origin structure in order to get their needs met. If the child begins to fear that who they are is not adequate to get their needs met (and by needs here we are speaking to core survival needs, such as food, water and shelter) they will adapt their "authentic" personality to one more liked by those in charge of the family system. In doing so they betray their authentic selves in order to get their needs met and insure their survival.

As adults, codependents take this same survival strategy into the world and apply it to their adult relationships. You may know these men and women as "people pleasers" or "selfless" or "nice guys," or at its worst even "doormats." Those who suffer with codependency are actually not that nice or pleasing, for what they are doing is suppressing their own needs in order to meet the needs of others. This suppression comes at a great long term cost for what is being suppressed will come fourth and usually does so at the most inopportune times and at great emotional cost to the codependent and those he or she is in relationship with.

There are many ways that one can heal from codependency, the overriding focus will almost always be one of moving the codependent towards authenticity. This will take several steps. As I mentioned earlier the codependent generally does not even know who they are without their many fitting-in masks, and they are usually not very clear about their own needs. A necessary first step is for the codependent to get more in touch with their bodies and their physical experiences. It has been my experience that if we listen to our bodies and our felt sensations that this can clue us into what we really need in given circumstances. So this first step is to become more body aware and focused. This body awareness is absolutely essential for the codependent to begin to recognize their own needs.

Secondly the codependent must begin to share who they authentically are with safe people. People who can understand the grave importance of this personal sharing. This is usually best begun with one person. This safe sharing starts the codependent moving towards being accepted by others for who they are - authentically. This can be done in a therapeutic setting or with close friends or "safe" relatives.

Once this sharing of self with others has begun, then the codependent will want to find a safe group setting and begin sharing more of themselves with others and on a larger scale. (I find that Al-Anon meetings have tremendous potential to help the codependent move towards authenticity). To find your local Al-Anon meeting click here As the codependent gets more and more comfortable sharing themselves they will see a marked improvement in their personal relationships. However, do not underestimate how difficult this sharing is to the codependent, most have learned at a very early age that it was not safe to be who they truly were, therefore this interpersonal sharing comes with a terrifying childhood fear of rejection and abandonment attached, this can feel so strong to them that they feel they are literally facing death or annihilation. This sharing and opening must be done slowly and at the persons preferred pace. It must also be done in a setting which is truly safe for the codependent (safe people!!!) otherwise a retraumatization may occur.

For most codependents this work will take them far into the healing process. They may find that as their comfort in authentic sharing increases, deeper and deeper levels of their childhood pain will emerge. Though very difficult, these parts of themselves must be accepted by them personally and also be shared with others. Over time the healing codependent will come to realize that where they used to carry a heavy burden, they now feel lighter. They will begin to share with, and help others, but now not from a sense of need but a feeling of abundance. The codependent will have learned to master this life challenge, recognizing it now as a gift and no longer a burden.

Join us as we embark on an 8 week journey to learn about codependency, its causes, its effects, and how we can reclaim our lives and hearts. Though the issue of codependency will not be resolved in 8 weeks, with this small intimate group we will create a supportive foundation which will allow us to see the patterns of codependency, and begin to enact appropriate, healing responses, allowing us to live happier and more fulfilling lives. A supportive, shared group experience IS the very best way for those suffering from codependency to make lasting life changes.

To View the PDF of the women's group flyer Click Here

To View the PDF of the 1st Men's group flyer Click Here

To View the PDF of the 2nd Men's group flyer Click Here

During these 8 weeks we will cover:

Blind Spots
Feeling safe while not being in control
Intimacy
Embodied Authenticity
Recognizing Our Shame
Needs/Neediness
Self Care
Boundaries or Walls
Belief Systems
Compulsions & Addictions
The Choices We Make – The Partners We Choose

For those looking to learn more about codependency I recommend the following books:

No More Mr. Nice Guy – Dr Robert Glover
For men who betray their own needs in relationships by being overly nice, I cannot recommend this book highly enough for the "Nice Guy"

Facing Codependence – Pia Mellody
A wonderful introduction to codependency, its causes and effects, though I don't find there is enough focus on actually healing the codependency. Still very worth reading.

Facing Shame, Families in Recovery – Merle A. Fossom & Marilyn J. Mason
A great book on shame and understanding the childhood abuse which is the foundation of codependency. If I was to recommend one book on shame and the foundations of codependency this would be it

Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise – Jane Middleton-Moz
A nice easily readable introduction to shame and how codependency looks in relationships

Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change – Robin Norwood
This classic book is still so tremendously valid today. Extremely readable, almost like a good book, you won't be able to put it down. Well worth the read.

The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self ~ Debbie Ford
Since many of the patterns of codependency stem from the suppression of ones needs I highly recommend this DVD. It is extremely well done and clearly illustrates how & why we suppress parts of ourselves and the great costs involved in this suppression.